How I've been and questions about scars ***

*** Possibly triggering - suicidal ideation and self-harm ***

I haven't posted in a while. I just haven't been able to. Every time I've thought about writing out how I'm feeling ... yeah, emotional shut-down basically.

Life has been, at times, hell on earth. I hope never to find out what hell is really like, but boy, this is quite as bad as I can take, thank you very much.

I actually had to text my personal, long-term therapist the other day, cause I was feeling that bad and was getting so close to actually following through on a suicidal ideation ... no, I know it just isn't an option. I've promised my husband I won't, he trusts me 100% and I know that this is a promise I am going to keep - as sacred, if not more, than my marriage vows.

But you know? It still scares me sh*tless when I'm that close to the edge. And in a weired, twisted sort of way, the fact that I know I can't do it and that I have to stay here, makes it worse - like I have no way out and am in some kind of prison or restraints.

I guess that ultimately, hopefully, that's for the best.

So here is a question I have, one that has bothered me quite a bit over the years, and quite a lot right now ...

How do you feel about wearing sleeveless/short-sleeved tops/dresses when you have scars on your arm?

You see, I don't self-harm on my arms anymore, haven't done since not long after I got engaged and started thinking about my wedding dress.

I got some special kind of scar-gel from my dr and used it twice a day, and went to someone who showed me how to apply prescription scar make-up. The pharmacy messed up my prescription and gave me African-American skin-colour make-up, which sadly, due to much stress, I didn't realise until the morning of my wedding, so ... I had to do the best I could with my chief-bridesmaid's cover-up and once the ceremony was over, my flowers were permanently over my arm until the reception, where I had this fun, very-me scarf over my arms ... yeah, a bit of a nightmare! But hey, I got to wear the perfect dress, see the look in my husband's eyes and hear him say how beautiful he thought I was and if anyone noticed, they never said, so worth it? Yup!! :)

So now, over a year since I last created a scar on my arm, they have gone from red to white, but are still quite raised. I am trying to work towards being less self-conscious about it but ... still worry that the scars are glaringly obvious to everyone else. My amazing husband, who's wonderfully supportive in every way, has sight issues, so has admitted that he really isn't a good gauge of wether or not my scars are easily visible. He can feel them and knows they're there, but can't quite see them now, although he could a few months ago.

I'm trying to practice walking through the supermarket or mall with my long sleeves pushed up to my elbows, so kind of half covering, but still safe for me. I haven't noticed anyone staring at me, but it's very anonymous - will friends who I'm sitting next to and talking to for a while notice?

Am I just being over-paranoid?

I would really value any comments you have on this topic - thank you so much!