A little about me

Saturday 23 April 2011

Loosing Control

Control is a wiered thing. Therapists say that an Eating Disorder is a way that we try to gain control of some aspect of our lives, and that at that point, food is the only thing we can control.

Well, as any of you wo have suffered from an ED know, it so very quickly changes from you having control over your body and your food, to the ED having control over you.

I so desperately hate the way I miss-use food, but I seem so powerless to stop it.

What is more sad, is that the more days I manage to go without binging-and-purging, the less "in control" I feel.

Right now there are so many things in my life that seem so way out of my control. It freaks me out.

Yes, I want to stop the whole Bulimia thing becuase it's a pain in the arss, because I think it's disgusting, because I loath myself every time it happens and because I want to "get better" for my husband, but you know what the ultimate driving force is at the bottom of wanting to leave Bulimia behind?

Because I want go back to Anorexia.

There, I've said it. It's not that I want to have a healthy relationship with food (though goodness knows there are times when I long for that!), it's that I still have this overwhelming, infiltrating desire to be thin. To be tinner than everyone else. To be thinner to those tat have been held up to me as an icon of perfection. (I don't mean models or celebrites in this case, I mean people I know, family members).

So I weighed myself for the first time in ages this morning. I'm within a few points of my BMI being in the underweight range. Bearing in mind my struggles with alcahol, this made me quite happy and encourages me to keep perservering with not having Bulimic episodes and not eating more than I can help the rest of the time.

I have ended up having a 5 week break from any kind of therapy or support relationship (something which scares the shit out of me) and I admitt - I'm planning on being as noticabley thinner as I can possibley manage, before I see anyone who will "see it" again.

I'm seriously loosing control over here.