Where have I been?

In my head. In my past. In my memories. In my flashbacks. In my physical sensations. In my desperated attempts to block it all out just for a while.

I have always been a processor, a thinker, an anilyticol type of girl, someone who thinks, evaluates and reads, reads, reads to try and work things out, to understand, to try and shed some light on whatever it is I'm dealing with right then.

So the fact that I'm doing a group therapy course for 12 weeks this summer, means 90% of my mind is constantly processing and thinking about what happened to me, the consequences and my sisters.

Everywhere I turn I see something, read something, that reminds me, upsets me, stirs me up, jogs a memory, prevokes a flashback, triggers a panic attack.

I can't be a very easy person to live with right now. My poor husband.

The last couple of weeks have been particularly hard, as I have been preparing to talk about what happened to me in the group.

My individual worker strongly suggested I should start to write my memories down. I didn't think I'd be able to, but having started, I don't seem able to stop. I can remember a lot more than I thought I could, now that I can hold the memories on paper, rather than in the jungle of my head.

I can't write anymore right now, but I will again soon - I really will. Thank you for your patience and thank you for listening.

Dream of Mirrors

Have you ever felt the future is the past, but you don't know how...?
A reflected dream of a captured time, is it really now, is it really happening?

Don't know why I feel this way, have I dreamt this time, this place?
Something vivid comes again into my mind
And I think I've seen your face, seen this room, been in this place
Something vivid comes again into my mind

All my hopes and expectations, looking for an explanation
Have I found my destination? I just can't take no more

The dream is true, the dream is true
The dream is true, the dream is true

Think I've heard your voice before, think I've said these words before
Something makes me feel I just might lose my mind
Am I still inside my dream? Is this a new reality
Something makes me feel that I have lost my mind

All my hopes and expectations, looking for an explanation
Coming to the realization that I can't see for sure

I only dream in black and white, I only dream cause I'm alive
I only dream in black and white, to save me from myself
I only dream in black and white, I only dream cause I'm alive
I only dream in black and white, please save me from myself

The dream is true, the dream is true
The dream is true, the dream is true

I get up put on the light, dreading the oncoming night
Scared to fall asleep and dream the dream again
Nothing that I contemplate, nothing that I can compare
To letting loose the demons deep inside my head

Dread to think what might be stirring, that my dream is reoccurring
Got to keep away from drifting, saving me from myself

I only dream in black and white, I only dream cause I'm alive
I only dream in black and white, to save me from myself
I only dream in black and white, I only dream cause I'm alive
I only dream in black and white, to save me from myself

Lost in a dream of mirrors, lost in a paradox
Lost and time is spinning, lost a nightmare I retrace
Lost a hell that I revisit, lost another time and place
Lost a parallel existence, lost a nightmare I retrace

I only dream in black and white, I only dream cause I'm alive
I only dream in black and white, to save me from myself
I only dream in black and white, I only dream cause I'm alive
I only dream in black and white, to save me from myself

I only dream in black and white, I only dream cause I'm alive
I only dream in black and white, to save me from myself
I only dream in black and white, I only dream cause I'm alive
I only dream in black and white, to save me from myself

The dream is true, the dream is true
The dream is true, the dream is true

Dream of Mirrors, Gers & Harris, Iron Maiden

Late night ramblings

I haven't written here in ages. There has been too much to say.The thought of trying to find the words to say what is going on right now has been enough to stop me from trying to write.

For me, the question never enters my head as to whether or not I am going to provide the emotional and physical support that my husband has needed from me in the last 6 months. Ok, so yes, I'm a human, and sometimes it has been a big struggle, a massive swallowing of any back-comments, but the pulling out of bed when you are beyond exhaustion, the tying on of shoes when your fingers are weary, the packing up of lunches and some nice surprise treats when all you can think of is sleeping all day or cutting till you have to go to A&E, the tissues you find for his tears of hopelessness even though you can't remember what hope looks like, the cuddles when he is lost but you need space ... all of that, plus the housework (even though you haven't got the mental or physical capacity to do much), the grocery shopping (even though you get bad neck ache from carrying it 2o minutes home) and the cooking (even though it's mostly late and leaves a mess and costs more then it's supposed to, 'cause you're less able to think on-the-fly ... I have done, and willingly.

However, on top of all of this and I've also been getting in the final assignment for my own module and doing 4 3/4 hours of therapy a week ... I am exhausted beyond belief.

Oh yes, and I was so desperately determined that I didn't want to carry on with the whole binging-and-purging thing that this is my 19th day without making myself ill - I have never made it this far in the last 2 years!!! A massive struggle, but hopefully I'll make it another 19 days from here - that will make 38-days-Bulimia-free!!! :D It has been really hard at times, but I always hated it and now even more so, so please may it continue!!

I knew in theory what this decision/action would mean for my emotions, but yeah, phew, really.

Honestly, I have been relying more on my other coping strategies, I have been drinking more, more often and cutting again more frequently and except for when I have drunk a lot, I hardly eat a thing ...

It's all really f*cked up right now and sometimes it seems an impossibility to ever get it to any sort of reasonable ... shape? I don't know.