I heard on the news on a music radio station that Jaycee Lee Dugard's captors were sentenced to 467 years between them.
The hubby asked what it was about and, as I have read and seen quite a bit about the story, I filled him in and told him all about it.
The final item of crap in a crap-filled day.
I've had a bad day.
First, I woke up with the all-too-familiar realisation that I'd drunk too much last night.
After helping hubby get out the door (whole 'nother story, suffice to say he needs lots of support right now), I fell asleep and woke up at 20 minute to - just enough time to get washed, brushed and dressed and make it to my therapy appointment at 10 ... glancing at the clock while grabbing some coffee I noticed that, yup, it was 20 to 11, not 20 to 10!! Ahh!! And I have been so very strict with myself at not missing a single therapy appointment since I started this latest therapy in January.
Why is it that something that last week caused me to go into mind-numbing-I-can-only-moan-and-whimper-in-pain-and-sleep-for-three-hours, now makes me angry at myself when I miss a session?!?
Then my stomach has not been happy with me today (hmm, no clue why that might be ...).
And now it's that time of the month and I have really bad cramps in lower stomach and back - something I haven't had for the last 3 or so years ... ok, so maybe because for a lot of that time there was a significant lack of a menstrul cycle ... not impressed that the cramps have returned.
So by the end of today, when I'd been thinking too much about too many sh*tty things, including how messed up my family-of-origin is and how much I want my siblings to enjoy being the amazing aunts I know they would be when I have kids and that I want to be able to tell The Mother that she's going to be a grandma with no regrets ... but in reality, I know that the day I find out I'm pregnant, a new stage of this nightmare will begin.
You see, I've never confronted The Father about the abuse. Whether or not he's pretending he didn't do it and would never dream of admitting it, or whether he has managed to put it in a box and firmly shut the lid, concentrating on being the wonderful, wise, insightful, highly religious and devoted father that he fools everyone into beliving he is ... I don't know. Either way, he tries to act toward me like nothing ever happened.
I know that to many, many people, it is highly astounding that I have not cut my family off entirely. There is one huge reason why I haven't done that, even thought I have desperately want to and continue to long to do so at times.
I love my sisters very much. I care about them and their welfare. I can see all the abuse (not sexual in their case, but emotional, spirtual, physcological and financel) that they have been through with me, but they can't. I consoled myself when I moved out of that house and caused them a huge amount of pain and hurt, with promising myself that I was going to help them see the truth and get out one day, or at least to know some people their own age and were not people that simply worshiped The Father's religious ideals.
So my very real love for my sisters (formed through 21 years of being homeschooled, churched-at-home, having hardly any other friends and living in the same space 24/7 - we were absolutely everything to each other) and deep concern for their welfare, is what makes me hold on so tightly to keeping in contact with my family. Not an option 'till they tell me to my face that they never want to see or hear from me again. I pray that day never comes.
So how on earth amd I ever going to be able to explain to my siblings why The Father is not allowed to even TOUCH my kids?!? I don't want him holding them as babies or older, or holding their hand on a walk, or touching them to clean their face after dinner ... yuk!! It makes me feel sick just to think about it!
So as soon as the day (hopefully) comes when the hubby and I know we're going to have a child, that's the day we're going to have to confront The Father and tell him exactly where the lines are and what will happen if he crosses them.
And then what will happen?
That's a toughie, but your children will be your responsibility. You need to see to their safety and your peace of mind. You don't even have to explain yourself. It's no one's business but yours and hubby's.
ReplyDeleteMy parents never argued when I wouldn't leave my girls alone with them. The one time my dad took them into a room alone and closed the door I ran in, opened the door and stood there, glaring. They were looking at the computer (nothing inappropriate), but when I was their age he was showing me Playboy and Hustler magazines. They were away from me for maybe 30 seconds, and it's never happened since. They have never had the kids sleep over, taken them out to dinner, or anything in 13 years. I think they only even asked once, I said no, and they never asked again.
If your answer is "No" then that's it. Your children, your life, your responsibility.
Wow. I'm not yelling at you. It's just I'm thinking about how I would feel if anything ever happened to my girls because I felt I couldn't say no. Anyone can say no and you never have to justify it when it comes to your kids.
Now I'm all worked up so I'm going to do some dishes, or attack one of the animals (playfully). I hope I didn't sound so harsh. It just makes me mad. Not you! Just the whole idea of any children being left alone with an abuser.