Late night ramblings

I haven't written here in ages. There has been too much to say.The thought of trying to find the words to say what is going on right now has been enough to stop me from trying to write.

For me, the question never enters my head as to whether or not I am going to provide the emotional and physical support that my husband has needed from me in the last 6 months. Ok, so yes, I'm a human, and sometimes it has been a big struggle, a massive swallowing of any back-comments, but the pulling out of bed when you are beyond exhaustion, the tying on of shoes when your fingers are weary, the packing up of lunches and some nice surprise treats when all you can think of is sleeping all day or cutting till you have to go to A&E, the tissues you find for his tears of hopelessness even though you can't remember what hope looks like, the cuddles when he is lost but you need space ... all of that, plus the housework (even though you haven't got the mental or physical capacity to do much), the grocery shopping (even though you get bad neck ache from carrying it 2o minutes home) and the cooking (even though it's mostly late and leaves a mess and costs more then it's supposed to, 'cause you're less able to think on-the-fly ... I have done, and willingly.

However, on top of all of this and I've also been getting in the final assignment for my own module and doing 4 3/4 hours of therapy a week ... I am exhausted beyond belief.

Oh yes, and I was so desperately determined that I didn't want to carry on with the whole binging-and-purging thing that this is my 19th day without making myself ill - I have never made it this far in the last 2 years!!! A massive struggle, but hopefully I'll make it another 19 days from here - that will make 38-days-Bulimia-free!!! :D It has been really hard at times, but I always hated it and now even more so, so please may it continue!!

I knew in theory what this decision/action would mean for my emotions, but yeah, phew, really.

Honestly, I have been relying more on my other coping strategies, I have been drinking more, more often and cutting again more frequently and except for when I have drunk a lot, I hardly eat a thing ...

It's all really f*cked up right now and sometimes it seems an impossibility to ever get it to any sort of reasonable ... shape? I don't know.