Last night was an awful night, a truly awful night! I felt like it was never going to end and then, just when I had finally managed to fall asleep ... beep, beep, beep, my husband's alarm went off - oh joy, time to get up again!
I took such a very long time to get to sleep; had nightmares; woke up convinced there was a man (other than my hubby) in the room - actually saw the colours of his clothes! - only to screw up my eyes till all I could see was fuzz; was convinced I heard someone brake into our apartment building and took too long to reassure myself that there was no way that, if such an unlikely thing had happened in the first place, there any way they would be able to get into my double-locked 1st-floor apartment; I then took ages to get back to sleep again ... oh, hello, I need a pee! Whoopadoo!!
After my second pee of the night, I randomly decided to weigh myself and after being unreasonably irritated with the results, I stewed about it for another hour or two, before finally getting to sleep again ... and we're back at that annoying alarm ...
This is why I dread going to bed. I dread the nightmares. I dread the flashbacks. I dread not being able to sleep. I dread waking up terrified. I dread the dark. I dread not being able to see what's going on around me. I dread the feeling of being completely and utterly alone.
Yes, I know the man I love is sleeping right next to me, but for me, the night time has always held a dreaded fear; the certainty that I am completely alone; the knowledge that no one is out there; the sickening realisation that no one will answer my calls for help.
I'm so sorry that you feel so alone. I know what that is like in the middle of the night. Remember though that youa re NOT alone even though you may feel alone. God is always with you and hanging on to you.
ReplyDeleteAlso, always feel free to email me if you like, just with thoughts, feelings emotions, even pictures of what you're seeing if it helps. You can manage it hunni, step by step.
Thinking and praying for you xo