Are you still there?

It's been such a long time since I've written on here. It's been such a long time since I've commented on your blogs, although I have been reading and I have been thinking of you. I have noticed those who aren't around much and have thought of you. I can only try to convey how sorry I am that I haven't been able to write to any of you, express any concern or leave any comments.

I can't expect anything back from you, as I haven't given you anything but thoughts. Maybe that's what I'm asking for here.I don't even know if any of you are still reading this poor excuse for a blog.


If you are, I need you. I need to know that you are still there, still fighting and maybe sometimes thinking a thought, or whatever it is you do, for me.

I haven't been this bad in a long while. I'm hardly eating anything. I'm struggling to keep down the amount I'm drinking. I want to not be here. I know suicide isn't an option any longer - I have someone more important than myself to think about that now. In a twisted kind of way it makes the thoughts and obsessive ideas worse - before there was the ear of me doing it to stop the thoughts, not, no matter what I think or for how long, I know it's never going to happen ... so the thoughts go too far ...

I feel like I'm stuck struggling up and then easily slipping back down the same few feet of the muddy pit I'm doomed to be stuck in.

Right now I can't see light and I can't see hope.