Uphill

I have always held much-used phrases in a certain amount of contempt. Catch-phrases, quips, sayings ... any over-used string of words which gets reeled out at a moments notice without any apparant thought on the part of the speaker. They're corny, cheesy, largely irrelevant to the topic, often insensitive to the situation, sometimes hurtful and confusing for the person at which it is aimed ... but often holding a good deal of truth and sometimes a not insignificant amount of wisdom.

I still try to avoid using these phrases and sayings as a general rule and particularly if I'm talking with someone who is struggling with something. Sometimes, however, an occason will arise when a particular phrase is perfect, or a saying will come to mind and I will be struck with the validity of what it is trying to convey.

This is just such an occasion and just such a saying.

Many things in life are an uphill struggle. Especially, it seems, the things which are particularly worth fighting for - and fighting for hard. It really does feel like you are walking uphill on a day when you have very little energy.

For me - and I'm guessing for most of you out there fighting a similar battle - trying to stop the relentless cycle of eating and throwing up is a constant struggle of trying to push a heavy rock at least 4 times your size up a very steep mountain. Maybe add a humid climate, summer tempretures and midday sun to the scenario and the picture is starting to look scarily realistic.

It often feels impossible. To use another well-worn but equally perfect phrase it is genuinely a case of one step forward and two steps back. Or maybe take off the one step forward part.

I start off with good intentions ... and then slip up again. I had a bad run of three days in a row, made new resolves, got through two days without being sick ... and then once again I was kneeling on the bathroom floor, clutching my toothbrush and demanding angrily of myself why I had done it - yet again.

I have many excuses in answer to my demands. I also have a reasonable number of ligitimate reasons which I know to be very real causes for what has now been all too long a daily struggle. But neither excuses or legitimate reasons can be allowed to stop me from reaching a goal which I AM going to get to - never again binge-eating and throwing up.

I don't know how long it's going to take to get there or how many times I'm going to mess up along the way, but I'm going to get there.