Uphill

I have always held much-used phrases in a certain amount of contempt. Catch-phrases, quips, sayings ... any over-used string of words which gets reeled out at a moments notice without any apparant thought on the part of the speaker. They're corny, cheesy, largely irrelevant to the topic, often insensitive to the situation, sometimes hurtful and confusing for the person at which it is aimed ... but often holding a good deal of truth and sometimes a not insignificant amount of wisdom.

I still try to avoid using these phrases and sayings as a general rule and particularly if I'm talking with someone who is struggling with something. Sometimes, however, an occason will arise when a particular phrase is perfect, or a saying will come to mind and I will be struck with the validity of what it is trying to convey.

This is just such an occasion and just such a saying.

Many things in life are an uphill struggle. Especially, it seems, the things which are particularly worth fighting for - and fighting for hard. It really does feel like you are walking uphill on a day when you have very little energy.

For me - and I'm guessing for most of you out there fighting a similar battle - trying to stop the relentless cycle of eating and throwing up is a constant struggle of trying to push a heavy rock at least 4 times your size up a very steep mountain. Maybe add a humid climate, summer tempretures and midday sun to the scenario and the picture is starting to look scarily realistic.

It often feels impossible. To use another well-worn but equally perfect phrase it is genuinely a case of one step forward and two steps back. Or maybe take off the one step forward part.

I start off with good intentions ... and then slip up again. I had a bad run of three days in a row, made new resolves, got through two days without being sick ... and then once again I was kneeling on the bathroom floor, clutching my toothbrush and demanding angrily of myself why I had done it - yet again.

I have many excuses in answer to my demands. I also have a reasonable number of ligitimate reasons which I know to be very real causes for what has now been all too long a daily struggle. But neither excuses or legitimate reasons can be allowed to stop me from reaching a goal which I AM going to get to - never again binge-eating and throwing up.

I don't know how long it's going to take to get there or how many times I'm going to mess up along the way, but I'm going to get there.

Starting again - again

As I'm kneeling on the bathroom floor with my head over the toilet, hoping that this won't be the time one of my flat-mates finds out about my eating habits, the over-familiar feeling of failure rushes over me and threatens to make me gag much more effectively than the toothbrush I'm sticking down my throat.

Why am I here again? What happened to bring me to this point - again? Why couldn't I stop myself? Where did my determination and self-control go? Where did my resolve not to let this happen again run off to? Why do I even think this is a remotely good idea?

I can't stay there forever. At some point my body runs out of energy to carrying on throwing up, despite my desperate attempts to make sure that every last bit of food is gone - beyond the chance of giving me even a few extra calories. Once again I'm cleaning up, brushing my teeth, avoiding meeting my own eyes in the mirror - too ashamed of what I've just done to face even myself.

Facing myself is exactly what I have to do right now. Again I have to look at myself, admit that I hate myself and hate what I'm doing - and admit that I have to start again from the beginning.

Another all too familiar feeling rushes over me - the feeling you get on Day Zero. The first day of a long, up-hill struggle. The first day of a battle with no forseeable end that you know in your gut will likely come crashing in on you 1, 2, maybe 10 days later, bringing you right back to Day Zero and starting again - again.